I've been hiding my recovery from others around me; as if my addiction was something to be ashamed of. While I won't announce to the world that I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, I won't deny it either. If my experience, strength and hope can be of some purpose to another struggling alcoholic or addict, then I am happy to share it.
Today I am starting on my fourth step in my program. Prior to this I had heard others speak about it with fear, dishonesty, hesitation; simply put nobody wants to do this step. As I met with my sponsor this morning he assuaged many of my fears; fear of being judged, of it not being done right, over analyzing things, you know, the usual suspects. He reminded me that we talk daily, and have already gone over quite a bit of my history. So very few things, if any would pop up that he didn't already know about. I know enough now to not be so worried about judgement for any of the resentments that I may list out, but the goal for me today is to not worry about judgement of any kind, but to be as thorough and as honest as I can. As my sponsor put it, it's the very basis of "to thine own self be true".
I feel like things in this program are really starting to make sense to me. For the first time in a very long time, maybe in forever, I feel calm and at peace with how things are in my life right now. Even my "troubles" that are in my life seem completely surmountable; God is definitely alive and active in my life today. I was driving home from a meeting this morning (which is when the above photo was taken) and again found myself in awe of this world I'm living in. I had no idea how blinded I was to so many things around me while drinking and using, but slowly I'm beginning to believe that I can feel alive again, even without using any mind altering chemicals. Who knows what else I will begin to uncover as I continue my journey through the 12 steps; all I know is I am alive and hungry for more of this peace and serenity I feel within me today.
Today I am just so grateful that I was and continue to be willing to let things play out, even if I don't understand them. I never truly thought Jessica and I would be over. I thought I'd never get past the pain that accompanied me seeing her move on and start dating someone else; but I feel like maybe, just maybe if I keep doing my work and it's God's will, that we can begin to get our friendship back. It sure feels that way sometimes. I think she goes back and forth about how she feels about it, but that's not for me to decide, and whatever she decides I have to respect.
I think that's been the hardest part of my recovery so far; acceptance and letting go of control. It's the essence of the 3rd step, but it's been by far the biggest obstacle I constantly find myself struggling over. What am I going to do to participate in my recovery today? Consciously decide to continue practicing acceptance and turning it over to God; when I do that, my life gets infinitely better. When I don't worry about controlling others or my environment or the situations around me, I find that I'm not plagued with fear or anger or discontent of any kind. When I start to feel these things, specifically aimed at a person, I need to remember "if they could do it differently then they would do it differently". I am not perfect and neither are others around me; and when I'm angry or judgmental towards others, it's typically just a projection of one of my own fears.
My Higher Power created me for a purpose in life. I ask him to accept my honest efforts ton continue on my journey in the spiritual way of life. I call on Him for strength to know and seek His will. Thanks for letting me share.